When your child is hurting themselves - how you can help.
Over the festive period I was volunteering for a crisis counselling service that you can imagine was flooded with messages of self-harming behaviours and suicidal thoughts over Christmas. It was incredible to witness just how many dedicated counsellors were able to support, help and even bring light and positivity to people in need during this time, and to truly embed my own understanding that the more we simply open up, share, talk, learn practical tools to manage that which is causing us pain, the better off and stronger we all are and more ready we are to then do the deep work. So I wanted to write just briefly about self-harming in I hope a simply practical and informative way today…
Self-harm can take lots of physical forms, including cutting, burning, bruising, scratching, hair-pulling, poisoning and overdosing. There are many reasons why children and young people try to hurt themselves, and once they start, it can become a compulsion. That's why it's so important to spot it as soon as possible and do everything we can to help.
It is important to say that self-harm isn’t usually a suicide attempt. Most often it is a call for connection, and also often a way for young people to release overwhelming emotions. It’s a way of coping. Though whatever the reason, it should be taken seriously. The exact reasons why children and young people decide to hurt themselves aren't always easy to work out. In fact, they might not even know exactly why they do it.
There are links between anxiety and depression and self-harm. Quite often a child or young person who is self-harming is being bullied, under too much pressure to do well at school, being emotionally abused or neglected, struggling to understand their identity/development, grieving or having relationship problems with family or friends.
The feelings that these issues bring up can include:
loneliness
sadness
anger
numbness
low self esteem and confidence
lack of control over their lives
Often, the physical pain of self-harm might feel easier to deal with than the emotional pain that's behind it. It can also make a young person feel they're in control of at least one part of their lives Sometimes it can also be a way for them to punish themselves for something they've done or have been accused of doing.
How to spot the warning signs
Young people will go to great lengths to cover self-harm scars and injuries. If you do spot them they might be explained away as accidents. The signs to look for divide into the physical and emotional.
Physical signs of self-harm
These are commonly on the head, wrists, arms, thighs and chest and include:
bruises
cuts
burns
bald patches from pulling out hair
Young people who self-harm are also very likely to keep themselves covered up in long-sleeved clothes even when it's really hot and don't talk about it easily.
Emotional signs of self-harm
The emotional signs are harder to spot and don't necessarily mean that a young person is self-harming. But if you see any of these as well as any of the physical signs then there may be cause for concern.
depression, tearfulness and low motivation
becoming withdrawn and isolated, for example wanting to be alone in their bedroom for long periods
unusual eating habits; sudden weight loss or gain
low self-esteem and self-blame
drinking or taking drugs
The self-harm cycle
Self-harm is often used as a coping mechanism. The physical pain of self-harm might feel easier to deal with than the emotional pain that's behind it.
When a person self-harms, chemicals that evoke relief are released into the brain which can become addictive very quickly. The person may feel an instant relief of pressure and ‘bad feelings’. This relief is short lived and is often replaced by feelings of guilt and immediate pressure. And this is how the cycle continues.
How you can help:
Show you understand or are trying to understand
Talk it over (if they cannot with you then with a qualified professional equipped to help them)
Be a detective and discover the triggers
Build their confidence
Show you trust them
Choose who you tell carefully
Help them find new ways to cope (often through therapeutic intervention and the support and knowledge your child and you will gain from that)
Know that talking about self-harming behaviours DOES NOT encourage it! So don’t be afraid to talk about it.
As I always say, better out than in. Find a comfortable way to bring things into the light for your child/teen so you can look at it and hold it together. Allowing it to fester in the dark through denial and fear is more harmful.
When a child is self-harming it's bound to have a big effect on you and your whole family too.
Your other children are also certain to pick up on the fact that something's wrong so make sure that you give them all the support they need.
Discovering your child is self-harming can feel quite overwhelming.
So make sure that you also get all the support you need from friends and family and maybe professional counsellors.
You can seek help through:
Your child’s/teen's school
Your GP
A therapist or counsellor
CAMHS
You local authority Child and Family Support or Early Help team
NSPCC, Childline and Young Minds helplines and website resources