Safe Touch, Good Boundaries
There was a day not so long ago when a three-year-old I am very close to asked me to tickle him as we were having a rough and tumble cuddle.
"Tickle me! It’s funny!"
Due to my expertise and also due to having slightly traumatic tickling events as a child myself (to this day I cannot stand to be tickled and most decisively experience heart stopping pain over any kind of enjoyment), I know that tickling can be one of those activities that can move quickly from fun, into boundary crossing.
I reminded myself that children often nervously laugh and tolerate touch they’re not sure what they want. Yet, wanted to connect with him playfully in the way he was asking, and I wanted to model safe physical touch for him at the same time. “I will tickle you!” I said playfully ‘But you can tell me when to go and to stop.” I said. “Stop,” he said, testing it. I stopped. “Go,” he said, laughing. I tickled again. “Stop.” “Go.” We practiced for a few rounds, with him seamlessly taking the lead with guiding the play. And then we moved onto a Thomas the Tank Engine puzzle.
End of, but I hope a very important experience for his development ongoing.
The thing is, we are not just responsible for teaching children (whether young or adolescent) about the kinds of touch to accept and avoid. We also want them to enjoy living in their bodies and to not attach shame to touch that makes them feel good.
Through play or conversation or relationship, we want to exercise practicing communication of healthy boundaries, consent, and normalised pleasure.
It’s not one serious, awkward conversation.
It’s not The Sex Talk you’ve known and possibly dreaded.
It’s a foundation of healthy boundaries built over years through affection, conversation, and modelling. Built tenderly, playfully, with curiosity and openness. It’s not solely teaching about sex either; it’s about conveying that we are embodied beings based in sensory experiences, and there are many ways to relish living in a body rich with pleasant and unpleasant sensation.
It is natural for children and adolescents to explore with their own bodies and be curious about the bodies of others. As adults sometimes we understand/recall these impulses and sometimes not, however I hope we can all leave shame at the door and talk, support, guide and coach so that our children can figure out what works best for them for themselves!
Lastly...
One resource that I would like to share with you to end, mostly for the benefit of younger children and families that I know have been worried about experience of inappropriate touch of privates or access to sexualised videos in the past months, is the NSPCC’s Pantosaurus!
Have a read, and see if it speaks to you. Not to worry if not, you can simply apply the above! But often Pantosaurus is too a fun way to engage children about safe touch.
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/
Happy parenting!