Parenting ANGER
We are not robots. Sometimes life feels just plain difficult and we need a little support, we need a break, not a lecture. The same goes for our children too.
I can hear what some people will be thinking as they begin to read this post. ‘Why should I let my child get away with bad behaviour?!’
And allow me to be clear. This is not about allowing your child to get away with anything. Of course you should hold your children to high standards, but I believe we should also be holding ourselves to those standards too.
If you expect your child to learn not to fly off the handle, you have to show them how to do this.
If you expect your child to remain calm, you need to show them how you remain calm.
If you expect your child to be brave, show them how you are brave, even when you feel scared anyway.
Here’s a good exercise.
Watch and listen to yourself and the other adults in the home today and notice whether anything you say or do would land you in trouble if you were the child.
Did you ignore your toddler while he was talking to you?
Did you yell at someone?
Have you spoken with a tone of disrespect?
Has your partner?
Did you slam a door, roll your eyes, or huff at another request?
It’s an eye opening exercise because we realize that most of us do at least one thing a day that we would scold our child for doing.
We have reasons, of course. We are stressed because of work. We’re sleep-deprived because of the baby. We are sick or achy or hormonal. We are mostly good people who are trying hard and who occasionally mess up. We tend to look at the reasons behind our own behavior and give ourselves a little grace for making mistakes.
But when our kids do it, we often don’t look at the reasons behind it. We see them as annoying or naughty, and we skip straight to correction and/or consequences. It’s okay for us to be human, but we expect better of our kids than we often do of ourselves, and that’s just not fair.
I am a good person, but I also know that I am flawed, as I am sure you know that you are too. I am an imperfect human that messes up despite my best efforts, and I know that the little imperfect humans in my life are going to mess up too. That doesn’t make their poor choices “okay,” but it makes them understandable and gives us all a chance to grow and improve. Sometimes even together.
Sometimes correction is absolutely necessary to be sure. But sometimes, we often just need a little compassion, most especially our children and teens who are still developing their impulse control and executive functioning abilities (remember these abilities are not considered fully developed until we are in our twenties!).
In order to support you in having a happier home and happier child, let’s look at two common and prevailing emotions among our children today and how to manage the challenging behaviours that result from these feelings. Anger and anxiety…
Anger
Angry rages, arguments and tantrums usually erupt in children and adolescents when they are feeling one or more of the following:
A need for the reassurance or guidance our gentle leadership provides
Stress, hunger, exhaustion
Fear, sadness, anger, frustration, all of which children need us to help them express and overcome
Feeling out of favor, ignored, unloved
Emotions surrounding transitions: the addition of a sibling, moving to a new home, attending school for the first time, changing schools, changing from play time to bedtime, changes of any kind
Developmental phases and milestones
These feelings can result in feeling attacked, threatened, ignored, resisted or rejected by your child or teen, accompanied by hitting, screaming, kicking, door slamming, grunting, throwing things and criticism of every single things you do or say or wear or …
You get the idea.
Hold in mind, that when this happens, for your child to find their calm, you need to find your calm. Your child is simply in a feeling state and in their own, be it often dramatic way, asking you for help. The surest way to help your child is to tolerate their screams, and stop them from hurting themselves or anyone else.
A response of anger or confusion is only more unsettling and likely to make the situation worse. A child needs to feel like you can handle whatever you throw at them, and will help them no matter what. In avoidance of creating more challenging behaviour, remaining calm matters a lot.
Angry behaviour from our children is often eased when we can:
Feel unthreatened, breathe, let it roll off our back, project confidence and calm
Prevent it whenever possible (by giving children safe “yes” places to explore, for example, rather than free access to ice cream and white sofas).
Set limits calmly, clearly, early so as to avoid punishment
Connect and redirect - Acknowledge all desires and feelings and encourage children to express them (“You feel like throwing those bricks. I can’t let you. That’s unsafe. I wonder if you are upset about Daddy leaving for work? You sometimes miss him when he goes. If you need to throw things, over there are some safe toys you can throw.”)
Discern needs and do our best to meet them with empathy and containment.
At all costs you want to avoid shaming, blaming or maiming your child, therefore also when offering consequences to unacceptable behaviour, be sure to check in with yourself, how you are feeling, and if you feel the consequence is useful and constructive in terms of the offending act and helping your child to understand the natural consequences of behaving in such a way.
For example if we eat too many sweets we get a stomachache. This is a natural consequence.
Therefore a natural active consequence for a child who refuses to brush their teeth might be that they are not allowed to eat sweets.
This will be delivered in an empathic and soothing tone “I understand that you don’t like brushing your teeth. I can tell it makes you feel really angry. However if you don’t brush your teeth you won’t be able to eat any of that delicious cake we bought because without brushing your teeth the cake could make your teeth go bad and we don’t want that!’
Stick to your guns, but be fair and be compassionate.
This is also good go-to for all behavioral problems you encounter. Let’s go through what that looks like in the moment when your child is being aggressive or challenging (this also works for children exhibiting highly anxious behaviours):
Step 1 is looking for the reason behind the behaviour. Ask yourself, “What is my child frustrated about right now?” This information will guide your next action. For example, if he’s frustrated because he’s overtired, it may be best to leave the activity and go home or provide some quiet time. If he’s frustrated because he’s not getting his way, the next action is to hold the boundary with empathy.
Step 2 is disciplining yourself. According to experience, seeing their children being aggressive was most likely to bring out a parent’s own aggression. They became verbally or physically aggressive with their kids in order to discipline their aggressive behaviour. Bringing your own frustration into the mix isn’t helpful in the slightest, so discipline yourself first. Remove your child from any harmful situation and take a few moments to collect yourself before you proceed.
Step 3 is connecting with your child. Again, this isn’t a reward for bad behaviour but the avenue through which you can help. When we understand that empathy, kindness, warmth, and connection are not carrots that can be dangled in front of children, handed out only when they behave to our liking, and provide for the very real emotional needs of a growing, learning, loving human being, we can stop being afraid to show love at all times. You connect by showing regard for their experience, being empathetic to their feelings, and remaining gentle. You can do this while holding whatever firm boundary you need to hold, and it gets easier with practice.
Step 4 is to seek a solution. Can this particular frustration be avoided? Can you be proactive the next time to provide what your child might need? What does your child need to learn from this experience? What will help him learn that?
Step 5 is restoring the relationship and your child’s sense of worth along with reconnecting with your little one. Tell her, “You were frustrated today and pushed your brother. That behaviour wasn’t nice, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes. I still love you very much”
My own experience...
I have compassion for parents trying this way of parenting anger for the first time, thinking back to my early days as a Nanny and how often I nearly lost my temper. In ten years of being a Nanny I actually lost my own temper twice, both times because I was fairly violently attacked by a child lost in their own rage due to not getting their own way or struggling with a transition. In those times I lost my temper, and I raised my voice. I mean I REALLY raised my voice. One time I even walked away to calm down but slammed a door in the process. As I said, I am not perfect.
I know so much more now and have almost unlimited natural patience, however each time thankfully, good instincts must of kicked in, as each of those times I lost my temper, I went back to the children, held them in my arms and said I was sorry. I said that I was a grown up and should know better than to shout at them and frighten them (which I likely did both times, most especially due to the shock of my usually calm and playful repose suddenly transforming into something much more intimidating) but even grown ups make mistakes sometimes and I would try to learn from mine.
I truly believe it was because I was able to say sorry, that the children also learned to open up to me about their mistakes and our communication began to flourish.
Therefore as you practise a possibly new way of communicating with your child, just remember that whenever you mess up you can let your child know you did.
Have a moment of connection together.
Model humility and grace.
Anger is normal and anger is healthy. We are not trying to avoid feeling angry. Oh no! We are only trying to prevent it from causing hurt or destruction.
Anger can be channelled in a very healthy and constructive way and gives us information about how we are living our lives and about our boundaries. Anyone who claims they don't feel angry, or who is nice all the time, isn't living authentically and will statistically more likely fall unwell with a stress related disease, due to suppression of this healthy and normal emotion. There is a balance to achieve and as adults we deserve to feel all our feelings, to be seen and heard in our authenticity and be respected, holding ourselves to a standard of trying to be the best we can be, while also allowing ourselves to make mistakes and learn from them while the people in our lives provide us with support, love, guidance and a little comic relief.
Our children deserve the same.