Empowering our daughters
Invisible growing pains
Pre-teen and teen anxiety and depression is on the rise in our culture, often due to the fast paced, highly visible, technology driven world many of our children are growing up in. I also believe however that in some regards our children are in a better situation than that of cultures past, in that most of our children are encouraged to, and feel further open to being vulnerable and to share. This allows us to help, guide and support them early on in life, to with any luck, avoid more significant mental health problems manifesting down the line. I believe a parent’s best strategy to help their child is to promote the development of key proficiencies of self-awareness, communication, coping skills and resilience at home. This requires feeling like we have some power to effect what is happening to us or our children. This requires a belief that we can change.
Anxiety and depression is an incredibly significant and involved topic, and I will write more about it later. However I wish to start with this…
Change is possible
One of the most important aspects of healing and recovering, be it from an injury, depression or a broken heart, is the belief that change is possible. Researchers call this ‘positive expectancy’ and when we look at the success of therapy, it figures prominently. In order to do the hard work of changing or healing, we have to believe that change is actually an option.
There is an abundance of information out there regarding depression and anxiety, how it may ‘just happen’ and how we have ‘no control’ when it does. There are also, perhaps more disturbingly, many writings stating the opposite. Articles that assert mental health is a concoction of the imagination. Having been witness to ill mental health of close loved ones, and some emotional and physical health issues of my own in my adolescent years, I have come to believe that we are actually all a remarkable blend of nature and nurture. A blend of control and no control.
There are genes we have that may or may not put us at risk for addiction, diabetes etc, and they may (or may not) be switched on at some stage of our lives dependant on what we are fortunate or not fortunate enough to have happen to us or around us, however I also believe with good, empathic, supportive and inspiring nurturing, we can overcome or at least manage, any event that comes our way.
In essence, I strongly believe, with the right elements and a little time, change is possible.
I began working with pre-teen and teen girls, as a therapist and as a healer, to support young women with menstrual challenges, stress and anxiety. All of which I am intimately familiar with being a woman myself, and know through my years of work with youth, are issues prevalent today.
That is my part.
However as a parent, I do believe you are the primary source of empowerment and well-being for your daughter, and that the following pursuits can aid your daughter's flourishing sense of peace, safety and self esteem immensely!
These steps, should you not already be engaging with them, will empower her self-awareness, communication skills, coping skills and sense of resilience as she grows up.
You may also find yourself flourishing alongside too!
Here are my top 8 tips to EMPOWER the young woman in your life:
1.
Regularly tell her she's beautiful just the way she is. Compliment, not only her physical beauty, but a specific attribute that you love about her, that makes her beautiful both inside and out.
Compliment her with adjectives other than ‘beautiful’ such as unique, wonderful, intelligent, creative, wise….whatever fits her!
And compliment her with authenticity and a congruent tone.
If you are complimenting her on something exciting she has done, match the excitement you feel for her in your tone!
If she has done something kind and sweet, make sure you sound kind too.
BONUS points: don’t forget as the adult in her life, you are her greatest
teacher. Make sure she hears you speak positively about YOURSELF too!
2.
Remind her to check in with herself and listen to her heart. Let her know
that she has an inner wisdom that will always be with her.
Set up a time once a day, or at least once a week to sit with her and check in with her and her heart and hear how her heart feels (on a gentle weekend walk, whilst sharing a beloved activity or before bed is usually a good time).
P.S. You should do this too with someone you love in your life! If it feels appropriate to share it with her, you can do that also. Model this checking in. But do make sure it is appropriate for her to hear and not too adult or big for her to take on.
3.
When we love ourselves, we honour our bodies. Do something fun and
good for your bodies, together! Make your favourite fruit smoothies, go to the farmers markets and choose good fruits and vegetables together, put on your
favourite song (positive message please) and dance, take a regular yoga class, swim, roller blade, play sports, or spend time relaxing in the serenity of Mother Nature. No matter how busy you are, try to make the time to do something like this occasionally, no matter how small.
4.
Our self-talk is powerful and we can all benefit from a reset from time to
time. Sit around the table and take turns creating positive affirmations. Write them down, cut them out, and tape them to all the mirrors in the house. Practice reading them out loud every day! This one seems to be a favourite: "I am loved, I am whole, I am complete."
In addition catch yourself and your daughter when the negative self talk arises. Without judgment just notice what was said, and wonder about where that came from and how to turn it around.
For example, I know in many circles of women the word ‘fat’ comes up when out shopping and trying on clothes. Instead of saying ‘I am fat’ why not instead encourage ‘I feel uncomfortable’. You can immediately change the fact you feel uncomfortable and it does not attach to your identity!
5.
With every person we meet or situation we encounter there is something of value to be learned. Even when things don’t go the way we would like, a blessing is hidden somewhere. First connect with her about how badly she is feeling.
Empathize that something didn’t go her way or her feelings got hurt. Then share an example of this from your childhood with her. Go on to share with her how it helped you in the end, if it did. The young people in our lives find comfort in knowing we can relate to their experiences. Girls are emotional creatures.
Remind your budding Goddess that it is OK to feel.
6.
As a parent or guardian it can be incredibly difficult to watch our girls struggle. Most especially with stress, anxiety and depression. We just want to make everything easy and perfect for them. However this is not realistic and also can be intrusive on their journey of emotional and self-discovery.
Practice really listening to her without trying to fix anything.
This is a big one.
DO NOT try to ‘fix’ everything.
Understand, that sometimes, you actually can’t.
Instead be curious, be empathic, and comforting. Practice just letting her BE with her emotions. And be by her side. You can always problem solve later if the situation calls for it.
7.
So many times we are not really living in the here and now. We are
stewing over what happened yesterday or worrying about what might be tomorrow. When you feel you are caught up in this muddle, consider taking a journey into mindfulness together, be with her fully, and enjoy the precious present.
There’s nothing more fun than planting BIG dreams together and remembering that we CAN and ARE deliberate creators of our lives. Have a Vision Board session where you write out all that you are welcoming into your life. Do this and watch your dreams become reality!
8.
Be affectionate. This might seem like a moot point however in the chaos of life we often forget to be affectionate with each other!
Don’t forget to cuddle your girl, no matter her age. If cuddling isn’t her thing perhaps she might like her hair brushed, or feet massaged after a long afternoon at netball practice or ballet. Or perhaps she likes her nails being painted. Likes play tickling or just sitting side by side watching a movie or sharing silly inside jokes.
Whatever works for you and her together, remember to be affectionate!
Get those feel good hormones flowing through your bodies! Keep those stress hormones away!
This is so healthy for YOU TOO!